a quieter night awaits.

As human beings, we all indisputably rely on some kind of constant attention.

Thing is, some people thrive on attention from a single important person in their lives, while others require the attention of every person around them.

There’s not a huge problem with either, I guess. But there really is no in between.

I put my greatest faith in fools.
I turned my back, and out came the wolves.

May I talk about the personal significance of this lyric for a minute?

It’s been a long time since the word “fools” has immediately stricken me as being negative. My friend group back home (who are notably present in my life even when I’m not there, which I lovelovelove them for) is predominately male. I don’t really have a problem with that. The reason I bring up that point is because we affectionately refer to our guys ((well, I guess they’re kind of my guys now, aren’t they*…)) as “the fools.”

Again, affectionately. They absolutely never fail to put a smile on your face, and ((contrary to the opinion of the flame thrower)) they’re the most caring and emotionally supportive friends I’ve ever had. They’re super fun-loving, and can get a little out of hand sometimes — CBP, I’m looking at you. — but I still love them to death, and there’s no doubt in my mind that they’ve got my back.

So for me, this pair of lines makes much more sense reversed:

I turned my back, and out came the wolves.
I put my greatest faith in [my] fools.

…As if to illustrate how I always get dragged out into the woods and mauled to near-death by shitty friends, but I’ll always find refuge with my true friends.

It’s because there are so many wolves (and I have a tragic talent for being drawn to them…) that I need my fools.

Idk… It’s just something I’ve been thinking about all night.

*and Gabby. My main friend group is the fools and Gabby. And they’re her fools too, I suppose. But don’t misinterpret, she’s just as important to me as they are, if not more.

I’ve figured it out…

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All of these major things keep happening in my life, and it really sucks that I’m not close enough to anyone that I can talk to about them.

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The other day, I was thinking about all of the good times I had in high school, and I just kind of wished that I’d spent them with better people — ones that would always be there for me.

And today, after going back to see the musical (again, haha.), it really hit me… I did.

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I swear to god, I’m an entirely different kind of upset about this every day.

Yesterday, it was “Why am I not good enough to ever keep my friends?”
and today, it’s “Why did I back out and not fight for her?” …Which is odd, because I know exactly why I didn’t.

Guess who’s apparently never going to be allowed to have her own friends?

THIS GIRL.

Okay, so I’m fully aware that I’m probably just overreacting, and that multiple people can have the same name, but that is by no means a common name.

Leave my friends the fuck alone, and get your own. Jesus.

Maybe it’s my life that’s the Lifetime movie…

Why will you defend and support her, but not me?

A.k.a. the story of everyone I’ve ever cared about and Ember.

Before I go anywhere else with this:

Dearest emberlove,

If you’re seeing this, please know that it actually has nothing to do with any of the things you do or have done. I love you, and you haven’t done anything to hurt me that you’re unaware of, I promise.

And honestly, I think I may have wrongly been upset with you at several points in the past, over this very thing. Now that I realize my mistake, I am very, very sorry, and I can only ask that you forgive me for those times.

And don’t think that you need to change anything about you because of this — you’re beautiful, and you are responsible for so much of the light in my life. Because, to quote Bruno Mars Pierce the Veil (of course!) “You’re amazing, just the way you are.” <3

Alright. Now.

My best friend Ember (if I haven’t already clarified that point) is very beautiful and very talented, so much so that I’ve always been incredibly jealous of her. Yet, even though it hurts sometimes to know that I’ll never be able to shine with the same brilliant radiance she projects to the world, it has never really upset me; I’ve just been happy to see her be such a wonderful person. Even if she can’t always see it, everyone else always can and forever will. And that’s going to take her to incredible places in this world. And I am truly happy for her.

But it totally just hit me, that there’s one thing I’m jealous of her for, that actually does crush me: When she speaks, people listen, and people care. People support her decisions, and respect her words, and most of all, they love her.

When I speak with purpose, it’s always because I have something very important to say. I don’t have the courage to speak out otherwise. But regardless, everyone, even the vast mojority of the people that I love, brush me off. They tell me I’m wrong. They point out the flaws in my statements and disregard whatever points I am trying to make.

And it kills me that no one will ever care about my words quite as much as they have, do, and will about the eloquent statements that come from Ember’s beautiful mind.

That’s all.

Have you ever met someone who’s like… friend sexy?

Like you see them and you just have this overwhelming urge to be their best friend, right then and there, and anything else is disappointing.

I mean, most days are just like “Yeah, it’d rock to be your friend, but I’ll do it when I want to.”

But every once in a while they do something awesome and all you can think is “I would so have a movie marathon with you all. night. long.”

I really love my friends. Very, very much. To the moon and back a million times.

It’s just been one of those days that really made me rediscover that fact.

I had this friend who, in roughly mid-October, told me that my boyfriend was probably cheating on me, so I stopped talking to her.

I just decided to give her a second chance, and now she’s trying to convince me that my best friend’s boyfriend, whom she loves very much, and is actually a VERY nice guy (from what I can tell) is only trying to take advantage of her.

Ahahahahah, bitch no. I’m done with you and your “If you’re not perfect like me, then you’re evil” bullshit.

Maybe last night was my turnaround.

I woke up to text messages from my two favorite people, and snow.

Is the apocalypse my happiness? We should apocalyze more often.

And if the world ends, I hope I’m in my living room with good friends.